WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?
Chapter Six
When What's Really Wanted is Hidden, Obscured,
or Not Yet Apparent
Perhaps the mechanism might be thought of in the following way: the spirit, by its nature, is often ahead of the human mind. When the spirit moves a person in a new direction, it can be difficult for the mind to "keep up" and, for example, function "competently" in both the old and new domains. It might be useful, when we see someone "screwing up," to take a moment to ask if something is going on beyond the merely apparent. Often, that is precisely the moment when a truly USEFUL conversation is available, one from which many people might benefit. Instead of such an inquiry, people are often simply made wrong as a matter of habit. That is the reason that people "under stress" (which is often the experience of moments of transitions to higher levels of contribution) feel "not supported" by people around them.
This brings to mind the story of a young friend of a friend of mine. He had most definitely "screwed up," at least in the telling of all those who commented on the facts soon after "the event." He had been "caught" by his parents, one day, when they had arrived home earlier than expected. I don't suppose it matters exactly what he had been doing. In any case, the next thing his friends knew, his parents had had his head shaved and purchased tickets for him to travel to another state, where he would henceforth be attending military school. I was first told about this story by his girlfriend, whose first thought was that he had sabotaged their relationship. She was furious.
When we got to talking about it though, a fascinating possibility arose. She indicated that, despite his youth, her boyfriend had talked quite a bit about having a family and getting a job, perhaps as a fireman. Given his age, that "plan" appeared to be years into his future. I asked what seemed the most obvious question: who did he know, and admire, who was, or had been, in the military? The answer was immediate: his grandfather, who her boyfriend admired as an independent person "in charge of his life." Coupled with the fact that this young fellow was easily bright enough to avoid "getting caught" as he had, it became apparent that something other than sabotage "might" have been at work. "Military school" existed in his set of symbols as a potential "fast track" to the life he truly wanted! It might be mentioned that, after that fact was noticed, the situation "somehow" shifted, with the result that he was not required to leave for military school.
The assertion here is that when the essence of a desired reality is seen ("uncovered" may be a better word), it becomes available for people to select from an entire range of participations in and with life which can be in furtherance of the desired reality. When this is not done, the usual progression moves from one form of resistance to the "unwanted" reality to the next. For instance, it is incredibly difficult for most parents to "support" (act in furtherance of) what appears on the surface to be adolescent rebellion. Even parents who, themselves, may have done even "worse" things in their youths, often find themselves somehow in opposition to what they label "rebellious" activity by their children. In this scenario, the best they are likely to achieve is "being right," which is not a condition known for producing profound satisfaction for all concerned in parent-child relationships.
If one is willing to inquire into what appears to be, at least on the surface, "rebellion," one often finds an underlying desire to, for example, "express one's independence," to begin to take responsibility for the creation of one's own life. Instead of becoming snarled in a perhaps badly-chosen symbol of independence, one can become aligned with the underlying essence. It is unfortunate, or at least unnecessary, that the latter role is often reserved for a young person's "friends," who then have the wonderful opportunity to walk with that youth toward the creation of the desired reality. The cost to the possibility "family" is immense. In the situation described above, parental battle with a mere symbol [or, more accurately, their limited "interpretation" (creation) of a symbol] came very close to assuring that everyone would lose, at least in the short run, and perhaps for much longer. No one, after all, really wanted the young man to go away! Readily available, given a different interpretation/creation of events, was parent-child alignment toward an essential place everyone would love to see that child go!
When I suggested, above, that there was an "obvious" question to ask, my premise was first, that people truly are creative beings and, second, that anything people do (however badly it may be "expressed") is intended to forward something truly wanted. I have noticed that, when human activity is viewed from the point of view of this possibility, things tend to make sense which might otherwise have seemed anything from nonsensical to stupid. The useful question is always, "toward what profound purpose might [that] have occurred." It is often difficult to even ask this question, particularly since we have been so trained to look only to "apparent" reality. In the process, we often miss the forest for the trees. When I say "useful," I actually mean "more useful than the conversations and other reactions we often have about what appears to us to be 'reality.'" Instead of waiting long periods of time, sometimes years, to "make sense" of an action or event, this inquiry often opens the door to a not-yet-apparent, but potentially valuable, reality. Sometimes it even allows us to empower a possibility we would love to see manifested on the planet.
Instead of jumping so quickly off the cliff of negative assumptions, it is available to engage in a profound partnership with those around us in moving as quickly as possible toward the lives we truly want. That is an easy thing to do with people when their behaviors, etc., "fit our pictures." It is often more difficult to do when life's "problematic" content arises. But the phrase "CHOOSE LIFE" can be applied at every moment, if we are willing. Sometimes this can be uncomfortable, especially when we really do think that what is occurring is negative. Again, I take no issue with someone holding the possibility that what is occurring is negative. I simply suggest that they simultaneously hold the positive possibility. It may be years, if ever, before anyone will know with a degree of certainty "how things were really working out." It seems absurd to assert and then live, as though committed to, the reality one begins to create by spewing negative possibility. And, again, there are the "self-fulfilling prophecy" aspects of immediately bringing negative "interpretations" to life. I wonder how many of life's positive possibilities never even germinated, having had their seeds sprayed with the "herbicide" of negative creation.
Of course, it is not only parent-child interactions which are fraught with the perils of the rush to negative reality. I was once teaching the senior human resource staff at a large bank. I assigned the following homework, to be completed before our next meeting: "during the next week, make a list of miracles which have occurred around you at the bank from the time you first came to work until the present." In all my years of teaching, I have never had a homework assignment greeted with such hostility. The question was asked of me, "What do you mean by a miracle?" I was taken aback, thinking that the word "miracle" was clear enough to be understood by any average adult. And this was a very bright group of people. I suggested that each person simply employ his or her own definition for purpose of the homework. The people in the room became quite adamant that I should give them a specific definition. I suggested that, in the event any of them really did not know what a miracle was, there were a variety of sources they could consult: a dictionary, their Bibles, or perhaps the Interpreter's Bible, for a very thorough treatment. Those suggestions were deemed insufficient, and one person demanded, in a fairly emotional way, to know my definition.
It was at approximately this point that I began to catch onto what was actually happening in the room. I told them that I would not give them a definition, that part of their homework would be to deal with that. They became angrier, as a group. Their anger was moderated by the fact that their senior vice president, a close friend of mine, was sitting in the back of the room. It was clear to his employees that he would "back me up," since he had not joined in their attack. He had detected the real issue before I had and was chuckling quietly to himself at their discomfort - and mine. So their anger gave way to a certain resignation. Then, one woman said, in quite a soft voice, "I can see that we are going to have to do this homework, and that you are not going to provide us a definition. So I have one question you might be willing to answer. Does it have to be a BIG miracle, or can it be a LITTLE miracle?" The room abruptly became totally quiet. And then everyone broke into prolonged laughter!
They had quite suddenly seen that their demands for a definition were a "cover" for their fears that NO miracles had ever occurred around them, and that they would be very embarrassed when they had to report that fact the next week. Had I asked them to list times they had been competent, or even incompetent, for that matter, there would have been no problem. But the miraculous? Here, they were on shaky ground. They had averaged seventeen years of employment at the bank, and the assignment had left them feeling terribly vulnerable. That had never occurred to me. I might add that I now "set up" this homework assignment a little better, as it was never its purpose to embarrass people!
In any case, when they returned the following week, one woman had a fascinating story to tell. During the week, she had recalled perhaps the worst single incident she had experienced during her tenure at the bank. She had had to fire an employee. The person became extremely upset and irrational, and eventually had to be removed from the bank by security personnel. Several years later, the fired individual had returned to the bank, bringing flowers to the woman who had fired him. He explained that there had been a job he had really wanted his whole life. And now he had that job. He was, in contrast to the life he had been living while he worked at the bank, a very happy man. He told her that, when she had fired him, he was terrified, on his family's behalf as well as his own, and had simply "lost it." He was not as much apologizing to her as wanting her to see that something had been at work which was quite wonderful, but which he had not been able to see at the time. And, since she had so dramatically encountered the "negative" side of his experience, he very much wanted to share "the other side of the matter" with her!
The woman was not the only one to have a story of something which had happened which might be placed under the heading "miraculous." The employees had simply never looked through that filter before, had never even thought to consider the possibility. They had gotten as far as the "Plus" side of the continuum, where words like "competent" live. Not that competence is bad, of course! A case can obviously made for the notion that it is miraculous that we occasionally show up as competent in life! Yet, is it not your experience that, when people deem themselves "competent," it is usually almost with a sigh of relief, a variation on "Thank God I (or we) didn't mess things up."
The profound issue is this: when we "look to" (create, really, since there are choices available to people in such matters) our participation in life, how deeply are we willing to reach toward the Pure Plus end of the spectrum? Can we hold the possibility that we are part of the miraculous unfolding? Or must we stay locked exclusively into an assertion of the position that what is occurring is "less than that?"
I am not suggesting something as simple as a phrase like "think positive," at least not in the way such phrases are traditionally used. I suggest that it is just fine to "think negative." You can, and will, in all probability, despise having to fire someone. The error lies not in disliking "how life shows up" at a given moment. The error lies in an assertion we add to life's unwanted content: that the fact that we judge or experience something as negative signifies that it IS bad, that "life isn't working out." We have more ways to say "this isn't working" than certain cold-climate cultures have for describing what we call "snow." All of them reduce, from a religious point of view, to an assertion that God is absent.
This is anything but an "academic" matter. The woman I have been describing had to live in her assertion, when she fired the employee, that life wasn't "working out." As you can well imagine, her experience might have been quite different if she had been holding the Pure Plus possibilities when that situation occurred, instead of only the Minus possibilities. If "damage" occurred, it was damage she did to the quality of her own life. The fired employee did the same thing to himself. Each devastated what might have been an experience filled with wonder, or at least filled with curiosity about how the situation would work out. Unfortunately, most of us have been thoroughly trained to hold only the Minus end of the spectrum, to focus on the unwanted and, in the process, ruin our experience of life, moment by moment, day by day, even year by year!
When people say things like "is this all there is?", they are pointing to their knowledge that more is available in life than they are currently experiencing. Simultaneously, they are implying that they don't know what else actually might be available. Usually, they simply haven't looked! Most people have not been trained to look. Even if they have been taught to look in the general direction of "Plus," they have no idea how far a person must look into that domain to come up with something truly useful. They are like those individuals who seek a "10" to participate with in relationship, having no idea that the scale goes at least to 100, maybe to 1000 and far beyond! Others simply haven't thought to look, perhaps because they are too busy dealing with the unwanted in their lives. Others do not look because they are afraid, perhaps even profoundly afraid. In any case, they fail even to open the door into the only set of possibilities which might be truly life-enhancing.